~~LIVING WITH PANIC~~

"Sounds Of Silence"



I can't really remember the first panic attack I had, I think I have had them most of my life. It was so normal for me to feel this way that I thought everyone did.

I can remember sitting in class in the 2nd or 3rd grade thinking I was dying, I had an abnormal fear of death. I thought about it a lot. I dreamed about it, and sometimes I prayed for it. I told one of my good friends about it when I was about 12, the look I received told me that it wasn't a great idea to spread this news around. I can remember being taken to the ER so many times when I was in grade school; my chest hurt, my hands shook, and my throat felt as if it had closed up completely. I cried many times in my room thinking, "What is wrong with me?" My sisters and brothers all seemed fine, it was just me. I hated the dark, I hated thunderstorms, I hated dogs(they bite), there were so many things I was frightened of. I hated to go fast in cars; I lost a boyfriend over this once when I was around 16. I just couldn't take it anything over 45 or 50 was just way too fast for me.

I lived like this until I was around 23 years old. That was the first time that I ended up in a hospital sure that I was dying of a heart attack. Instead I was sent to a group home for anixety therapy. It worked, for about 2 days. I wanted out of there, I was smothering, I couldn't breathe. I needed to be where I could go out of a room without anyone giving me permission. My life was hell by then, I had two children by the time I was 22 and had been married and divorced twice. I thought I was truly crazy. I realized now that not "everyone" felt like I did. I was starting to deny myself access to people. I hated being in crowds and couldn't take large groups of people; i.e. football games, carnivals and such.

I finally recieved help in 1985 for a short while due to therapy and medication. I quit the medication as it made me feel like a zombie. Fortune smiled on me in 1990 when my Husband "made" me stay in therapy, and take my medicine. It is now 9 years and I still barely make it sometimes from day to day. But, after years of therapy I have been diagnosied with Panic Disorder, Anixety Disorder, Manic Depressive, Seasonal Disorder, Obessive Compulsive Disorder. I think that is about it. I wonder sometimes how I ever made it this far, but due to some very innovative Doctors and some marvelous medicine, I can cope. It will never go away, and I have learned to somewhat control my highs and lows, but each day is still a challange. I never know when one of "those" days will hit me; and there I will be again, unable to drive 3 miles to the grocery store. I recently drove from NC to LA then on too OK and back to NC. Three years ago that would have been impossible. I still don't like big trucks and lots of wind can upset me, but life is so much better for me. There are many other symptoms that I didn't go into, but there are some wonderful links to sites that just might help you.

I pray that all who read this page, will either try and understand the Disorder, or if you have it; seek help. I know I am glad I did.